FIST to PALM: blossoming

Like every kid, I had nightmares. Sometimes the only way to shake such gripping dreams is to launch oneself into mom and dad’s bed – right in the middle, where a safe, nightmare-free haven can always be found. I could never explain these dreams with any satisfaction – even for myself! Now it seems funny that I could never rationalize what scared me so. I believe the term “giant pennies” was COINED as a poor explanation of my dream time sensation. There were no striking visuals or sounds, just a feeling. I was up against these huge blocks with an overwhelming feeling of stuckness. It seemed like things were growing and getting too big & crammed together, but what? There was nothing to make any sense of!

JULY 08

It has been years since this dream has recurred. But recently I re-experienced the exact, old, familiar sleep sensation. In fact, this happened several times, only now I am a young woman – no longer a child. I am working on a farm, sleeping on a twin bed in my tent in the afternoon. Since my labor is so physically exhausting, my practice has been two naps a day, and I sleep very well, if for only a short time. During one of these siestas, I again experience the uneasy sensations from my childhood. The dream is still very uncomfortable, but not nightmarish. As I float closer to waking, I become aware that what I am feeling is the actual bodily sensation of my muscles contracting. I feel my gripping fingers, hands and arms pressed together against my own body. My jaw is full of tension also. Asleep, I made myself into a big clenched knot! As a child, my parents sometimes heard me grinding my teeth in the night. Certainly this habit contributed to my dreamy discomfort. What a simple, logical explanation! Now the sensation is approachable, helping me to unlock the gripping fear of old patterns! By revealing the pattern, I release the need to repeat it. Cool!

JAN 09

I am still in the process of releasing this tension. Through practice I have noticed several things. When I unclench my fists and relax them it allows energy to flow through. This is especially essential when I am on the wintry trail riding a mountain bike. I need to maintain a relaxed grip so that I can hold on and control the bike, while also keeping my blood flow up. My circulation is improved; my hands become warm.

I have also noticed a benefit when I can relax my body in meditation. I sit, palms facing the sky, up and open (although their instinct is to close – this is necessary reconditioning after all those years) to what will come. Often in the last few months I notice a current of energy moving through my hands. It is especially strong when I am in circle, with others who help elevate healing vibrations. I know this is part of a new chapter of learning and I am open to what will come from my new awareness. I am amazed at the transformation that has come!!

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